Newspaper pieces

I know it's been ages n ages since I last wrote anything. Just so yez know I haven't been completely slacking off, here are a few links to some pieces I've written for the paper, including my first full page-r.

Take a chance on Bonnie Olde England I swear I don't write the headlines for these things. And it was funnier before the editors got their greasy mitts on the thing. And yeah, apparently Union was something of a fart in the wind and is back to being the manky old Zap.

So Sing Us A Song, You the Piano Man Another imaginative title. And again they choose to delete the best bits and ignore the fact that it stops making sense. If anyone wants a copy of the directors cut feel free to, well, whistle for it.

Soppy Valentines Day music piece. This is, godawful, I admit. Maybe you shouldn't read it.

Bitter, cynical Valentines Day music piece. Y'see, what they did was have a reversible paper that week. One side was upbeat, the other vicious and miserable. Wonder which one came more naturally to me?

Ask Amy

This is hilarious and illustrative of the great divide in American society.

Taken from Monday's Washington Post -- Style Section

Monday, February 20, 2006; Page C12
Dear Amy:
My husband and I have lived in our quiet suburban Denver neighborhood for six years.

About two years ago two young gay men moved in across the street. They've taken the ugliest, most run-down property in the neighborhood and remodeled and transformed it into the pride of the street. Hooray for gays!

When it snows, they shovel out my car and are friendly, yet they mostly keep to themselves.
Last month I went out to retrieve my newspaper and watched them kiss each other goodbye and embrace as they each left for work.

I was appalled that they would do something like that in plain view of everyone. Yes indeed, how dare they be gay in anything other than a helpful and socially uplifting fashion?

I was so disturbed that I spoke to my pastor. He encouraged me to draft a letter telling them how much we appreciate their help but asking them to refrain from that behavior in our neighborhood.

I did so and asked a few of our neighbors to sign it.

Since I delivered it, I've not been able to get them to even engage me in conversation. Funny that...

I offer greetings but they've chosen to ignore me. What vile creatures. You tell them you are disgusted by their behaviour and suddenly they're not shovelling snow from your driveway anymore. I just goes to show dunnit?

They have made it so uncomfortable for the other neighbors and me by not even acknowledging our presence. THEY have made it uncomfortable for YOU? What the Fu........?!

How would you suggest we open communications with them and explain to them that we value their contributions to the neighborhood but will not tolerate watching unnatural and disturbing behavior.

Wondering

You're lucky that these gentlemen merely choose to ignore you.

Your neighbors could respond to your hospitality by hosting weekly outdoor "gay pride" barbecues and inviting all of their friends to enjoy life on our quiet suburban street.

I can hold out hope that they will choose to do this, but I'm spiteful in that way. Your neighbors sound much more kind.

In your original petition to these men, you basically stated that while you value them when they are raising the standard on your street and shoveling your driveway, you loathe them for being who they are.

The only way to open communication with your neighbors would be to start by apologizing to them for engaging your other neighbors in your campaign. Because you don't sound likely to apologize, you are just going to have to tolerate being ignored.
Amy

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Just what I said. Hooray for the freedoms that this country was built on and which allows morons like this to have their say in a national newspaper and then be made to look like a complete idiot for holding such views.

Only in Washington

Last night was the President's State of the Union address. For the uninformed (trust me, you're better off that way), this is a constitutionally required statement to Congress and the American people where he basically lays out how he thinks (this in itself something of an oxymoron when referring to W.) things are going with regards to America's interests, both domestic and foreign, and how he thinks (again, those two words look very strange together. as if they should be followed by: "as little as possible") things should go over the course of the next year.

I'm not gonna bore you with the content - partly because it has dominated my classes over the course of today and I've had quite enough THANK YOU. And partly because, despite being 5338 words and an hour in length he pretty much managed to avoid saying anything about anything. At one point my ears did prick up when he mention "human-animal hybrids" because, having seen The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, I think the world would be much livelier with a few centaurs and fawns trotting around. Sadly, Georgie wasn't coming out in favour of such things. Ooh, I've just thought - they'd be a bugger to give birth to wouldn't they? Certainly put an end to the debate over which hurts more, childbirth or being kicked in the...... anyways.

I digress. In the spirit of the occasion, despite not really having much interest in what he had to say, Katie and I decided to pop down to The Hawk and Dove on Capitol Hill, supposedly a hangout for congressional staffers, to sample the atmosphere. People cheered occasionally, people clapped occasionally and I rolled my eyes frequently. I do love it when Bush says "nucular" though. Kinda makes it tough to take him seriously when he's talking about the idea of nailing Iran.

Following the speech, we managed to grab a seat at the bar for a post-mortem and had been chatting for a while when we were approached by a woman who was immediately recognizable as British by her "umm"s, "ah"s and "do excuse me, I do apologize for interrupting you".......s. This wasn't the first time someone has overheard me speaking and, like a moth to, umm, well, another moth I guess, approached me. I sorta take it as the norm that English people like meeting and talking other English people in America, even if they are a decade or so their junior, so it didn't strike me as, initially at least, all that odd.

When her opening conversational gambit was "you don't happen to know Ewan Blair do you?" I was a trifle perplexed - is that or is that not the freakiest chat-up line you've ever heard?. Anyway, it turns out the PM's son is interning (it means "doing work experience" but doesn't sound quite as menial even though it REALLY is) at some Congressional office and as we discovered when she whipped out a business card, this woman was a journalist called Sharon Churcher and apparently the Chief American Correspondent for The Mail on Sunday (I know the cynical amongst you are thinking "b*ll***s she was" but I've just Googled her and it turns out she's legit) and was seeking to dig up some grime on Tony's eldest and seemed willing to flash the readies in return for some juicy gossip.

Sadly, despite the fact that I probably would have sold him out for a bowl of peanuts and another Guinness, neither of us have an "in" on the hill these days (I never did but Katie used to work for Minority Whip Steny Hoya who was shown on TV quite a lot last night) and so had nothing to offer her. We did get to keep Sharon (I think I can call her that)'s card and she told us to give her a call should we discover anything useful so i'm gonna do some digging. Finding a Brit in DC can't be that hard can it?

Anyone who can formulate a way of tracking him down and getting him into an incriminating position can have a share of the greenbacks. I just need some ping-pong balls, a star-fruit and 200ft of parcel tape....